Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Drug Driven Sex

Sex was my first mind and mood altering "drug". Before I knew what went where, the hormonal surges running through my body held me hostage. Sex dominated my mind. Every waking moment was spent thinking about it, seeking it out and having it.

I had my first HIV test at 18 years old and while filling out the initial questionaire, I came across the question "How many sexual partners have you had in the past year?" I answered as honestly as I could. My answer was 50. That was aproximately 1 a week (give or take). I tested negative that time, but at the rate I was having anonymouse sex, many times unsafe, nothing could prevent the inevitable. By the timeI tested positive in 1993 I had already experimented with all kinds of drugs. The one that changed my life for the worst was Chrystal Meth. It intensified the sex to indescribable proportions. It also allowed me to overcome my inhibitions about getting fucked, an issue that in my recovery is still an obstacle. I became all consumed by the compulsion to get high and get fucked. I lived to get high and have sex and got high and had sex to live. Many times without protection. I am sure that I must have infected others and that is something I am still trying to accept and deal with.

By the summer of 96 I had lost everything. My job, my home, my dignity and self respect. I had pushed everyone out of my life except for those that I was getting high or having sex with. Most of the sexual partners I rarely saw more than once so it became a lonely existance. That October I checked into a long term drug program. I was there for a year. I attended 12 step meetings. 12 step was not a perfect fit for me but I was able to take what applies and let the rest fly. I made it work but since I still drink and smoke weed socially, I felt hypocritical when it came time to share clean time. That's where Harm Reduction plays a vital role in my life. "Harm Reduction" allows me to claim and own my recovery. Yes alcohol is a drug and so is pot but they are not the drugs that take me to that place of complete and total self destruction. As if with cancer, my sex on Crystal Meth addiction is in remission. I have survived.

At 38 years old I realize that I have yet to have a healthy and mutually loving and caring sexual experience. In that sence I am still a virgin. lol. I have made the conciouse decision to abstain from engaging in sex until the right situation comes along. Truth be told I'm not sure if I would even know how or what to do anymore without the drug. The 3 attempts I have made at casual sober sex since Nov 96 have been disasterous. Someday he'll come along.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Addiction

I grew up in a family of alcoholics so I was around alcohol from a very early age. I first had a drink at age 12 and it seemed like everyone was drinking around me. It was fun and games. My drinking got worse when I became a teenager-I was drinking all day every day. I drank all day, stayed up all night, slept until early afternoon. It was a cycle. I dropped out of school in the 10th grade, because of the drinking. But I needed to drink, because it helped me deal with my step-father's sexual molestation. I tried to tell my mother, but she wouldn't believe me. The alcohol helped.
My drinking escalated at at 15 I started going to bars-more drinking and partying. When I was 16 I met an older man who introduced me to Cocaine. It was like an amazing rush. But after a while the Coke lost it's affect. I tried Crack Cocaine. I used it every other day and it was draining my bank account. I was spending up to $600/week. I also got fired from my job for using. But my boyfriend took care of me so it seemed ok. I kept using Crack until I was 21...but I still dip and dab every now and then. I still drink, but not like I used to. Maybe 4 times a week. As I got older, my system didn't respond as well to hard alcohol, so now I just drink beer.

My substance abuse issues have also landed me in jail. I was incarcerated for drug trafficking-I spent 30 days in Rikers, then came home and went back to my same behaviors.

I have also gotten very violent as a result of using--I have wounds all over my body from getting into fights. But it was like I'd fight with someone, and then the next day we'd sit down and get high. I have battle wounds all over my body.

I think I'd like to stop using, but it's so hard. My husband uses so it's hard for me not to. I will say that I have decreased my alcohol and crack cocaine use, so I feel good about that. If
I'm not using and my husband starts, I just remove myself from the situation. This works sometimes, but sometimes I get weak. I go to Harm Reducition meetings, which help--it relieves so much stress for me. I also get acupuncure a few times a month which helps with my stress.

I've been to treatment and was 7 years clean. I was hanging around the wrong people and I knew I had money. So I picked up again, both crack and alcohol. At this time, I know that I could go to treatment if I want. There's a facility right around the corner from me. I know it's there when I'm ready. But not quite yet. I have figured out how to make it work better for me--no more altercations, no more jail.

For me, Harm Reduction has worked.

Friday, August 7, 2009


I was walking down the street I bumped into this gentleman that was sniffing something... automatically it kicked up a lot of feelings for me. I walked away and I didn't pay him no mind. But as I got home I started thinking that I should do one. ONE IS TOO MANY AND A THOUSAND IS NOT ENOUGH. So I went program and I spoke about my feelings. My peers and staff provided me with suggestions on how to cope with my feelings. I had the feelings for a long time...I had money...somebody suggested that they would hold my money... it has been two days now and I have not "picked up." The feedback helped me stay sober. I continue to attend my groups. I attended recovery group today (facilitated by Don McVinney) and it was very good. I will continue to work my OWN RECOVERY!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Drugs and no drugs

I started using drugs over 20 years ago because all of my friends were using them. I started sniffing dope, then began shooting it. It was a nice thing at first. It made me feel good, alert, fast-thinking, and it was fun. Then, within 6 months, it became a habit. Day and night. I was shooting up 3 times a day, and then every day all day. Had so much dope in me that I would nod, and it felt good. But then when I woke up the next day, it wasn't so good anymore. I also overdosed once, but I am still here to talk about it. I lost my job, almost lost my family and my loved ones. I realized that by being high all day, there was no more good. A friend took me to a methadone program and I took it for while. But then, I turned to Cocaine. Why not? It made me feel good and there were no track marks. But no sooner did I strart shooting coke. I shot coke for a year and continued on methadone. The methadone clinic found that I had more coke in my system than methadone and they wanted to send me to a treatment program out of the city. I didn't want this-I didn't want to go to a treatment program outside of the city. Something about this made me decide to stop. But first, one more time...I got coke, reefer, hard alcohol, beer and I locked myself inside my house for a month. I was alone, and used everthing I had. I knew this was going to be my last time using. Once all the drugs and alcohol were gone, I stayed inside for a few weeks. I felt strange and funny, and my diet was terrible. I didn't sleep and I didn't talk to anyone. After a few weeks, I left my house. the first thing someone asked me was "do you want to get high." I said no and I have said no ever since.
There was one time a year later that I went and bought half a pint of gin and a beer--but I never touched it. I remember how I almost died when I was using.

Today, I don't drink or use drugs. This is my choice. But, yet, the temptation is always there. I realize that my recovery is somewhat unique. My friends still use and I am able to hang out with them--but I have chosen not to use. I lost so much when I was using.

I knew I couldn't quit until I was ready--but once I was ready, I did it.