Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Drug Driven Sex

Sex was my first mind and mood altering "drug". Before I knew what went where, the hormonal surges running through my body held me hostage. Sex dominated my mind. Every waking moment was spent thinking about it, seeking it out and having it.

I had my first HIV test at 18 years old and while filling out the initial questionaire, I came across the question "How many sexual partners have you had in the past year?" I answered as honestly as I could. My answer was 50. That was aproximately 1 a week (give or take). I tested negative that time, but at the rate I was having anonymouse sex, many times unsafe, nothing could prevent the inevitable. By the timeI tested positive in 1993 I had already experimented with all kinds of drugs. The one that changed my life for the worst was Chrystal Meth. It intensified the sex to indescribable proportions. It also allowed me to overcome my inhibitions about getting fucked, an issue that in my recovery is still an obstacle. I became all consumed by the compulsion to get high and get fucked. I lived to get high and have sex and got high and had sex to live. Many times without protection. I am sure that I must have infected others and that is something I am still trying to accept and deal with.

By the summer of 96 I had lost everything. My job, my home, my dignity and self respect. I had pushed everyone out of my life except for those that I was getting high or having sex with. Most of the sexual partners I rarely saw more than once so it became a lonely existance. That October I checked into a long term drug program. I was there for a year. I attended 12 step meetings. 12 step was not a perfect fit for me but I was able to take what applies and let the rest fly. I made it work but since I still drink and smoke weed socially, I felt hypocritical when it came time to share clean time. That's where Harm Reduction plays a vital role in my life. "Harm Reduction" allows me to claim and own my recovery. Yes alcohol is a drug and so is pot but they are not the drugs that take me to that place of complete and total self destruction. As if with cancer, my sex on Crystal Meth addiction is in remission. I have survived.

At 38 years old I realize that I have yet to have a healthy and mutually loving and caring sexual experience. In that sence I am still a virgin. lol. I have made the conciouse decision to abstain from engaging in sex until the right situation comes along. Truth be told I'm not sure if I would even know how or what to do anymore without the drug. The 3 attempts I have made at casual sober sex since Nov 96 have been disasterous. Someday he'll come along.

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